Dear Beach Boys,

Wouldn't the Miss America Pageant be kind of predictable if your wish came true?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear All The King's Horses And All The King's Men,

An egg fell off a wall and you gave a shit?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Racehorses,

What phrase do you use when you have to pee really, really badly?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Stevie Wonder,

If you took a chick you didn't know to see part of a crappy rock band's concert after seeing their full show the two previous nights, would you consider it a third of a third Third Eye Blind blind blind date?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Roosters,

I feel extremely awkward bringing this up, but something must be said. My kettle has boiled. You've been getting away with verbal murder, and it's time for the killing to stop.

Perhaps you don't even realize it, but the wake-up call you bellow each morning ("cock-a-doodle-doo") is, in a nutshell, extraordinarily crass. To you it may sound like a bunch of malarkey, but to the ears of a human, it basically translates as "penis-a-doodle-shit."

That's right, dear roosters. "Cock"? Synonym for a man's private organ. "Doo"? Synonym for the odorous waste that exits one's behind. Truth be told, when you scream "cock-a-doodle-doo", you may as well be screaming "dick-a-doodle-feces", or "wiener-a-doodle-crap", or, dare I say it, "schlong-a-doodle-chocolate log".

I won't hold decades of potty mouth against you. I'll give your birdbrained ignorance the benefit of doubt. All I ask is that you squawk amongst yourselves and come up with a new phrase to replace the aforementioned dirty one. Enough with the friggin' foul fowl mouth, you dig?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear People Who Live In Gingerbread Houses,

Do your "Home, Sweet Home" doormats read, "Sweet Home, Sweet Sweet Home"?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Six Million Dollar Man,

Do you save the phrase, "I feel like a million dollars" only for times when you feel like shit?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer