Dear Christian Rock Bands,

As a response to those sinful bands who hide subliminal Devil messages when you play their albums backwards, I thought perhaps you could respond by hiding subliminal messages of positivity when you play YOUR albums backwards.

To help get your Christian juices flowing, here's a few positive phrases you might consider hiding:

"I'm hatin' Satan."

"Sunday is Fun Day."

"If you smoke marijuana, you'll die."

"Hell is for hoodlums."

"The Pope is doper than dope."

"Six, six, six, sucks, sucks, sucks."

"Da' bible is da' shit, yo." (for Christian hip-hop groups)

"Paul is alive."

I hope these help. Best of luck with your careers and don't forget to go to Church!

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Gourmet Magazine,

Attached are two food-related poems I wrote. Please consider them for publication.

Really Hungry Girl

I had a date with a really hungry girl.
She ate most of it.

---

House or Caesar?

"House or Caesar?", the waiter asked.
"House", I replied. "Now where are the keys?"

Thanks your time and continued success in the future.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Hormel Foods,

There must be great confusion in your workplace due to the fact that one of your products shares its name with a common term for junk email. I imagine such awkward scenarios as:

EMPLOYEE: I fucking hate spam!

BOSS: You hate our product? You're fired, Jim.

or

EMPLOYEE: I fucking love SPAM!

BOSS: You love junk email? You're fired, Jim.

To help avoid such costly misunderstandings, you'll be relieved to know I've come up with an easy-to-implement, foolproof plan: all you have to do is ban computers from your office. Return to the good ol' days of typewriters and pneumatic tubes. Et voila! All SPAM, no spam!

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Tall Chefs,

How do you walk through doorways?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Haircutters Who Live Near Crystal Gayle,

How much do you hate that bitch?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Cookie Monster's Agent,

In today's celebrity-endorsement driven culture, it's a downright atrocity that your client still lacks a lucrative sponsorship deal. I hate to say this, but I must question your abilities as an agent when a player such as Mr. Monster still hasn't been rebranded as The Oreo Cookie Monster, The Nutter Butter Cookie Monster, or, dare I say it, The Chips Ahoy! Mini Chocolate Chip Bite-Size Go-Pak Cookie Monster.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Guy Who Coined The Phrase "Be Kind, Please Rewind",

Are you like the one person on planet earth who was completely pissed off when DVDs were invented?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Popeye's,

If you're interested in expanding your market share of the oft-ignored "Tongue Twister Lovers" demographic, may I suggest you consider adding pot pies to your menu.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Boyz II Men,

Isn't it about time you changed your name to "Men"?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer