Dear Student Athletes With Drinking Problems Who Also Have Auto Club Memberships,

You should start a group called N.C.A.A.A.A.A.A.A..

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Underwood Motel,

Don't you think Underbigcomfyduvet Motel might be a better name?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Bingo's Owner,

What do you yell when you bring Bingo to a bingo parlor and he runs away but you don't have a winning game card?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Math Professors,

If your foot falls asleep while you're sleepwalking, does that mean it actually wakes up?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Robert Wadlow's Mom,

When your son was young, did you hide the cookies on the bottom shelf?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Superman's Enemies,

Want to defeat that bastard for once and for all? Can't get your hands on any kryptonite? Here's a very simple alternate method: hire some dudes to physically remove every single phone booth in town.

"A bank's been robbed! A house is on fire! But, but, I ain't go nowhere to change!"

Sincerely,

The Diabolical Letter Writer

Dear Camouflage Frogs,

When you play hide-and-go-seek, do games take forever?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Creators of NYPD Blue,

If you'd created your show back in the era of black and white television, would you have just called it NYPD?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Waldo,

If you want to up the difficulty/frustration level of your books, here's a suggestion: leave yourself out of the drawings.

"Waldo? Waldo? Where the fuck is Waldo?!"

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

PS You look like Jack White.

Dear Extremely Well-Endowed Men,

When you pee in public washrooms, do you have to use the kid-sized urinals?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Snakes,

Where do you apply deodorant?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Six Million Dollar Man,

When you go to Japan for top-secret missions, do you introduce yourself as the Seven Hundred Thirty Four Million, Two Hundred Eighty One Thousand, Nine Hundred and Sixty Six Yen Man?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Evel Knievel's Parents,

After giving your son a name that's a synonym for such words as "hideous", "repugnant" and "vile", were you surprised he choose a career path that involved continually trying to kill himself?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Aliens Who Hate Gardening,

What color are your thumbs?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer