Dear Moms of Born Again Christians,

It must really hurt birthing them the second time, huh?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Horny Dudes,

Out with a lady? Hoping to get some action? Here are ten things you should never, ever say:

1. "We'll have to agree to disagree then, because I think NAMBLA is cool."

2. "Stuck on an island with only one album? I'd take Weird Al's Greatest Hits. I mean, 'Eat It'!"

3. "Look how far my finger goes up my nostril."

4. "Does it really bug chicks if a dude is impotent?"

5. "So what if I spoon with my Xbox?"

6. "Round of Zimas. My treat."

7. "Is it weird Bill Gates' biography turns me on?"

8. "I've been beaten up before, but never by another guy."

9. "Shall we split a glass of Chardonnay?"

10. "Want to come to my place? I've got the whole Ernest series on DVD."

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Piano Stores,

If you sell a grand piano for $999 or less, is it still considered a grand piano?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer