The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Beach Boys,

2008-03-31T21:04:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't the Miss America Pageant be kind of predictable if your wish came true?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear All The King's Horses And All The King's Men,

2008-03-07T16:40:00.000-08:00

An egg fell off a wall and you gave a shit?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Racehorses,

2008-03-01T10:21:00.000-08:00

What phrase do you use when you have to pee really, really badly?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Stevie Wonder,

2008-02-02T17:33:00.000-08:00

If you took a chick you didn't know to see part of a crappy rock band's concert after seeing their full show the two previous nights, would you consider it a third of a third Third Eye Blind blind blind date?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Roosters,

2008-01-25T23:11:00.000-08:00

I feel extremely awkward bringing this up, but something must be said. My kettle has boiled. You've been getting away with verbal murder, and it's time for the killing to stop.

Perhaps you don't even realize it, but the wake-up call you bellow each morning ("cock-a-doodle-doo") is, in a nutshell, extraordinarily crass. To you it may sound like a bunch of malarkey, but to the ears of a human, it basically translates as "penis-a-doodle-shit."

That's right, dear roosters. "Cock"? Synonym for a man's private organ. "Doo"? Synonym for the odorous waste that exits one's behind. Truth be told, when you scream "cock-a-doodle-doo", you may as well be screaming "dick-a-doodle-feces", or "wiener-a-doodle-crap", or, dare I say it, "schlong-a-doodle-chocolate log".

I won't hold decades of potty mouth against you. I'll give your birdbrained ignorance the benefit of doubt. All I ask is that you squawk amongst yourselves and come up with a new phrase to replace the aforementioned dirty one. Enough with the friggin' foul fowl mouth, you dig?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear People Who Live In Gingerbread Houses,

2007-10-13T11:40:00.000-07:00

Do your "Home, Sweet Home" doormats read, "Sweet Home, Sweet Sweet Home"?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Six Million Dollar Man,

2007-09-09T19:39:00.001-07:00

Do you save the phrase, "I feel like a million dollars" only for times when you feel like shit?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear People Up Shit Creek Without A Paddle,

2007-08-12T16:38:00.000-07:00

What were you doing in a creek made of shit in the first place?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Wolves,

2007-07-27T06:54:00.000-07:00

What do you howl at on really foggy nights?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

---

Painting by Alex O'Connor

Dear Nudists (Part 3),

2007-07-08T06:39:00.001-07:00

When you parachute, do you wear parachutes?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

---

Previously:

Dear Nudists (Part 1)
Dear Nudists (Part 2)

Dear Box Cutter Manufacturer,

2007-05-23T22:55:00.000-07:00

How do I open the box my box cutters came in?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Google,

2007-05-20T01:12:00.000-07:00

If I want to search for an extraordinary number of stories about you, should I google googol Google?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Math and Poetry Mittens Owner,

2007-05-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

In honor of your extremely distinctive mittens, I've written you an extremely distinctive poem:

A Poem For One To Read

If two plus two is two too many,
Then three, you'll see, is too much too.

Three times two less two is two twos,
But one plus one? You've won! It's two.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

---

Photo found at renf.org/dory

Dear Diabetic Def Leppard Fans,

2007-05-07T13:23:00.000-07:00

When the band sings, "Pour Some Sugar On Me", do you sing along?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Fat Porn Stars Who Love The Band 'X',

2007-05-02T17:53:00.000-07:00

I'd guess your fan mail reads something like this:

Dear X,

XXX!

Sincerely,

XXL XXX

---

Yes? No? Maybe?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Creative, Religious Rabbis,

2007-04-26T07:35:00.000-07:00

Are you offended when people refer to your style as "unorthodox"?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Fox Hat Guy,

2007-04-12T17:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Fox Hat Guy,

Do you have a mustache, or is that just part of your hat?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Conjoined Twins,

2007-03-06T08:05:00.000-08:00

So do you say, "four heads are better than two"?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Firebreathers,

2007-03-01T07:14:00.000-08:00

When you have something stuck between your teeth, toothpicks are out of the question, right?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Moms of Born Again Christians,

2007-02-25T09:02:00.000-08:00

It must really hurt birthing them the second time, huh?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Horny Dudes,

2007-02-20T00:28:00.000-08:00

Out with a lady? Hoping to get some action? Here are ten things you should never, ever say:

1. "We'll have to agree to disagree then, because I think NAMBLA is cool."

2. "Stuck on an island with only one album? I'd take Weird Al's Greatest Hits. I mean, 'Eat It'!"

3. "Look how far my finger goes up my nostril."

4. "Does it really bug chicks if a dude is impotent?"

5. "So what if I spoon with my Xbox?"

6. "Round of Zimas. My treat."

7. "Is it weird Bill Gates' biography turns me on?"

8. "I've been beaten up before, but never by another guy."

9. "Shall we split a glass of Chardonnay?"

10. "Want to come to my place? I've got the whole Ernest series on DVD."

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Piano Stores,

2007-02-03T07:32:00.001-08:00

If you sell a grand piano for $999 or less, is it still considered a grand piano?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear "Take-A-Penny, Leave-A-Penny" Tray,

2007-01-31T17:00:00.000-08:00

So are you saying I'm supposed to take one, and then put it back?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Millipedes,

2007-01-24T14:32:00.000-08:00

How much does it suck when you pass out at a kegger and someone ties your shoelaces together?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Expectant Parents,

2007-01-21T20:52:00.000-08:00

If you don't want your kid to ever need glasses, you should name him/her Ehndfnptxzuzdtfdfnpthphuntdznpxtzfh.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Helpful Convenience Store,

2007-01-19T10:14:00.000-08:00

From the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm writing to bestow my tremendous gratitude for all the explanatory signs you've placed throughout your store. Without such helpful signage, there's no question I would've been completely screwed.

You see, the other day I came to your store to grab a six-pack. As I walked inside, I almost smashed my face directly into your front door. Why? Because I didn't realize I had to open it first. At the last moment, however, I saw your small, handwritten sign: "YOU MUST OPEN DOOR TO ENTER!" If not for those blessed words, I would've surely ended up with a bloody, broken nose.

Once safely inside, I headed to your beer fridge. En route, I passed the snack section and saw several bags of Fiery Habanero Doritos. The bags were covered with images of flames. Now I'm sure you'll consider me a fool to admit this, but I somehow thought the flames were real!

I gulped in fear, and was a beat away from screaming, "Giant fire in the snack section! Everybody get the hell out!" Just before doing so, however, I saw a piece of tape with another one of your handwritten messages: "FLAMES ON DORITOS BAGS ARE FAKE!" Phew. Once again, your considerate explanation saved me from complete and utter humiliation.

Finally, I reached the beer fridge and pulled out a six-pack. I checked the price tag and saw the cost: $8.99. $8.99?! Why on earth would I bother paying $8.99 when I could just as easily put the beers in my backpack, sneak out and pay nothing?

It was a no-brainer. I opened my bag and began filling it with bottles. Free beer! Man, what a great store. Until of course, at the last moment, I glanced at your fridge and saw the sign: "PLEASE DO NOT STEAL!"

Gosh dang it. Your polite request left me no option but to pull the beers out of my satchel and pay for them properly at the counter. Of course I was bummed to do so, but I'm sure it would've been more of a bummer to end up in a jail cell with a horny rapist or some shit like that.

So, Helpful Convenience Store, even though I had to pay for my cottonpickin' brewskies (Rip-Off City!), I truly appreciate all your considerate signs. After all, if not for such helpful tips, I'd probably be in jail with a broken nose, hated by all the fireman in my town, awkwardly smooching a horny rapist or some shit like that.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

---

Photo Submitted By: Tim V.

Dear Dick Butkus,

2007-01-12T14:18:00.000-08:00

Bless your soul. On behalf of all people born with crappy names, I'd like to thank you for being living proof that "crap name" doesn't have to equal "crap life".

From day one, you never had it easy. I mean, your mom and dad bestowed you with pretty much the worst name possible. What were they thinking by calling you "Dick Butkus"? I guess they were just resentful of their own names, Ivana* and Givemy.

Oh, the fun your schoolmates must have had. "Hey Dick, wanna Kiss my Butt?" Or, "Yo Butt Kiss, you're a Dick!" And of course, the classic, "Dick Butkus wants his ass and penis to smooch! Dick Butkus wants his ass and penis to smooch!"

I'm sure all this teasing made you cry a lot. You probably even peed your pants once or twice. It's cool, though. I mean, what ten-year-old could deal with a name like "Dick Butkus" and not stain his or her chinos?

Dealing with such trauma at an early age would permanently cripple most. It would have been easy to give up and accept your lot in life as a pathetic loser. But what did you do in the face of affliction? You worked your tail off and became a hard-ass professional football player. You found a career that let you physically demolish any fools who dared mock your cock/tushy name.

Thanks to you, Dick Butkus, others with crappy names are now realizing their potential. Snotty Flabbybreasts of Omaha, Nebraska just had a date with his high school prom queen. Runny-Poo Johnson of Salinas, California was recently awarded a Rhodes Scholarship. And Tiny Wang of Evanston, Illinois raised $3 million for charity last fall by unicycling across Kansas.

If not for your trailblazing, people like Snotty, Runny-Poo and Tiny would never have had the courage to follow their dreams. Thanks a million for scoring a touchdown against teaserdom. You da' man, Pecker Ass-Smooch!

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

*Ivana's maiden name was Boobgrabbe.

Dear Friends of Yo-Yo Ma,

2007-01-11T10:52:00.001-08:00

When you're hanging with Yo-Yo and his mom pulls off an impressive yo-yo trick, are you like, "Yo, Yo-Yo Ma, word to yo' mama's yo-yo, yo"?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Readers,

2007-01-10T19:33:00.000-08:00

It's time again to put out a request for readers' photos. If you have any images I might be able to write about in the future (preferably ones you've taken), please email them to me. If I use your photo, I'll give you full credit and a link. Plus, if I become a Bloggie Finalist, I'll write your name on my butt before I streak at the ceremony.

Thanks as always for your continued readership. I'm genuinely touched by it.

Hugs and french kisses to all of you,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Joe DiMaggio,

2007-01-05T13:20:00.000-08:00

When you used to hear, "Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?" on the radio, did you ever call up Simon and Garfunkel and be, like, "Yo fellows, I'm right here"?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Whoever Said, "Close Only Counts In Horseshoes and Hand Grenades",

2007-01-04T21:10:00.000-08:00

What about bidding on The Price Is Right?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Rappers,

2007-01-02T21:23:00.000-08:00

The moment you've long been dreading has finally arrived: 2007 is here. Following a lengthy stretch of years that offered near unlimited rhyme options (2001 - 2006), you're now stuck with a year that rhymes with next to nothing. Witness:

2001
- I ain't got a permit but I got a gun/It's gonna be a Bullet Odyssey in 2001
- My years in the ghetto, at last they're done/I'm buyin' Bill Gates' mansion in 2001
- I'm gonna bang a million chicks and it's gonna be fun/I'll make a million Mini-Me's in 2001

2002
- I might be more J Crew than 2 Live Crew/But I still want some pussy in 2002
- Whether you're a Buddhist, Muslim or Jew/Let's fuck the police in 2002
- You're like fresh soil in the morning dew/Gonna plant you with my seed in 2002

2003
- My wallet's way fatter than the eyes of Bruce Lee/I'm makin' tae-kwon-dough in 2003
- They say MC Squared is equal to E/Well no one equals me in 2003
- "I wanna ride your jock all night" said she/I said "Ride it all year, all of 2003"

2004
- Want a world filled with violence and gore?/If not, vote Gore in 2004
- Though I rhyme from 9 to 5, it's never work or chore/Just call me MC Unemployed for 2004
- I got a crunk hot lady, never need a whore/My booty comes for free in 2004

2005
- I guess I'm more scary than a giant beehive/'Cause I make the ladies scream in 2005
- If you buy weed make sure it's not chive/Or you'll never get high in 2005
- We got in my Hummer, went for a drive/She gave me a hummer, best of 2005

2006
- I ain't gonna hurt you with stones or sticks/I'm usin' glocks and pistols in 2006
- While some use needles to get their fix/I'm gettin' high off YouTube in 2006
- My cock's so wide it's like I got three dicks/I'm gonna squeeze it in my ho in 2006

Unlike these verbal goldmines, however, 2007 is gonna be hella difficult. The sad reality is that there just isn't much that rhymes with seven. The only lyrics I could think of:

- Remember that show, Highway to Heaven?/It's not on the air in 2007
- I have no friends named Devin or Kevin/Though perhaps I'll meet them in 2007
- You like fake words? Here's one: "Schneven"/Fake words are hip in 2007

All I can say is, try your best. Maybe rhyme about stuff other than the year we're in. Take a long vacation if necessary. And remember, 2008 (which will be great, no debate) is just 363 days away.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Jesus,

2006-12-25T10:36:00.000-08:00

Which will you open first today: your Christmas gifts or your birthday gifts?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Burger King,

2006-12-22T11:35:00.000-08:00

Those new Xbox 360 video games you've released are awesome! I picked up Sneak King and Big Bumpin' last month at one of your restaurants. Since then, my friends and I have playing them NON-STOP!

It's funny, before your games came out, we used to hang out in your restaurant all day long. We spent SO MUCH money on your food!

Now, since the games are so frickin' awesome, all we do is stay inside. We don't have time to go to Burger King anymore. We pretty much just order Domino's Pizza and hang out on my couch.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Pizza Eater

Dear Teenage Dads,

2006-12-19T10:29:00.000-08:00

Is the reason you knock chicks up so that when you tell your buddies, "I went all the way with (chick's name)," and they're, like, "Bullshit, dude," you can be, like, "Yo, we had a kid"?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Lactose Intolerant Celebrities,

2006-12-18T16:58:00.000-08:00

You're having dinner in a diner.

"Hamburger, please," you order.

"Anything on it?" your server replies.

At that very moment, a member of the paparazzi jumps in your face with a camera.

"Say cheese!" he screams.

What do you do?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear People of Spain,

2006-12-14T15:47:00.000-08:00

Does it make you horny when you're bitten by flies?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Bret "The Hitman" Hart,

2006-12-04T08:15:00.000-08:00

When you play blackjack, is it hard for you to stand?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear GRAMMYs,

2006-11-12T22:19:00.000-08:00

If this song is performed on your award show, what will you do about closed captioning?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Zebras,

2006-10-31T07:27:00.000-08:00

Are you white with black stripes or black with white stripes?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear They Might Be Giants,

2006-10-28T16:27:00.000-07:00

Are you or aren't you? Decide already, dammit!

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear MySpace,

2006-10-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

I signed up for your service as a way to build a community with my readers. It worked! Over 150 people became my friend. I exchanged letters with lots of them. People sent me extremely kind notes. Notes I truly cherished. Notes that inspired me to continue writing this blog.

A month ago, however, my account suddenly vanished. I couldn't log in or access my homepage. So I contacted you with a polite, "What happened to my account?" letter. A week went by. Zero response.

I emailed you again. "Seriously, what happened to my account?" Several days later, you finally wrote back:

Hello,

Unfortunately, once an account has been deleted there is no way to have
it restored. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

Thank you,

MySpace.com

A form letter which implies I deleted my account? I didn't touch my account. You deleted my account, ***holes.

So, MySpace.com, here's my response to you: go **** yourselves. Take your Rupert Murdoch money and shove it up your ***es. Your customer service and technical capabilities are sh*ttier than an overflowing outhouse. Suck my ****.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear People Who Hate Garlic,

2006-10-22T21:48:00.000-07:00

Do you wear vampires around your neck?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Foreign People,

2006-10-12T00:22:00.000-07:00

When you play baseball, do you all fight over who gets to be catcher?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Baseball Catchers,

2006-10-09T23:48:00.000-07:00

Do you have the same fears about squatting over foreign toilets as the rest of us?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Pumpkins,

2006-09-28T09:56:00.001-07:00

What do you turn into at midnight?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Whoever Discovered Bees,

2006-09-22T13:29:00.000-07:00

I'm sure it must have been quite thrilling to identify a previously never-identified insect. It's one hell of an impressive feat to make a tag like that on the zoological world. Discovering an entirely new organism is something to which few people can ever lay claim.

Perhaps equally exciting was the opportunity you then had to name the insect. Oh, the options! You could name it after yourself. Or your grandma. Or that cute lab assistant down the hall. Jesus, you could name it whatever the hell you wanted! The future of this fierce little creature lay completely in your hands.

And with all the options in the world, what did you end up choosing? "Bee". "Bee"? You decided to call it a fucking "bee"? Are you kidding me? I'm sorry, Bee Guy, but that is unquestionably the most pathetic choice in the entire history of naming.

Were you not aware the word "be" already existed? Uh, it's only one of the most common words in the entire English language. Choose your own word, you unimaginative fuck! Adding "e" to a word does not make it your own, OK? Fucking hell! Or as you would probably say, "Fuckinge helle!"

On the topic of discovery, I just discovered something myself. It's a blended mixture of feces, vomit, phlegm and snot. And you know what I've decided to call it? "Beeguy".

Sincerely,

Thee Rhetoricale Lettere Writere

Dear Lifeguards Named Marco,

2006-09-19T18:46:00.000-07:00

How much do you fucking hate it when kids at your pool play the "Marco, Polo" game?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Cannibals,

2006-09-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

If you were on death row and had to choose your final meal, would you choose this guy?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Connie Chung's Assistant,

2006-09-12T14:28:00.000-07:00

When you send a note on Connie's behalf and want to make sure she reads it, do you cc:cc? And if she asks that Clarence Clemons, Chris Chelios, Courtney Cox, Cab Calloway, Christopher Cross, Christopher Columbus (the director) and Christopher Columbus (the explorer) also get copies, do you cc:cccccccccccccc?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Bartender,

2006-09-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

A pair of conjoined twins enter your bar. They look young, so you ID them. It turns out one is celebrating her 21st birthday. The other, however, doesn't turn 21 until tomorrow (they must have come out of their mother's womb right at the crack of midnight, hence the age disparity).

What do you do?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Mr. Potato Head,

2006-08-26T11:32:00.000-07:00

What's it like knowing you single-handedly sparked the entire plastic surgery industry?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Jim Davis,

2006-08-23T14:02:00.000-07:00

What combination of drugs had you taken when you wrote this strip? A betting man says it’s one of the following:

1. Five joints, two bottles of whiskey and a hit of crack
2. Ten lines of blow, a shot of heroin and some PCP
3. Three hits of acid, 15 hash brownies and some fresh mescaline
4. Eight kegs of beer and 10,000 pounds of pure ecstasy

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

---

Comic strip submitted by: Rob P.

Dear Costume Party Organizers,

2006-08-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

If you hire a clown to entertain at your party, how do you know if he ever shows up?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Human Events: The National Conservative Weekly,

2006-08-09T21:54:00.000-07:00

I recently became aware of your Ten Most Harmful Books of the 19th and 20th Centuries. In case you've forgotten, they are:

1. The Communist Manifesto
2. Mein Kampf
3. Quotations from Chairman Mao
4. The Kinsey Report
5. Democracy and Education
6. Das Kapital
7. The Feminine Mystique
8. The Course of Positive Philosophy
9. Beyond Good and Evil
10. General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money

Pretty impressive list. Not that I've read any of them, but they certainly sound like trouble waiting to happen.

That said, I sat down the other day and somehow (stay calm) came up with ten books I find even MORE harmful than those on your list. Pretty crazy, huh? Anyway, without further ado:

1. Knock-Knock Jokes: They CAN Be Funny
2. You Suck More Than You Think: An Anti-Self Help Guide
3. Africa: Is It Really So Important?
4. Home Dentistry For Dummies
5. Mediocrity: At Least It's Better Than Shitocrity
6. How To Steal From Charities
7. A Photo Guide To Siamese Twin Separation Surgeries
8. Go Wal-Mart Go!: The Benefits of Corporate Rule
9. If You Read This Book, You'll Get AIDS
10. Jokes 'R' Me: The Biography of Carrot Top

If you agree with all or any of my choices, feel free to include them in a future list.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

---

Link found on Yes But No But Yes

Dear Swiss People,

2006-08-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

How do you differentiate between a lifeguard on duty and a patriotic person watching people swim?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Young Looking Dude With Beer,

2006-07-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

Good for you, buddy. Most adults, if they looked as young as you do, would treat it as a handicap.

"People think I'm a four-year old," they'd say. "If I go to a concert, I'll just get laughed at and teased mercilessly."

You, however, clearly have the nutsack to give that kind of attitude a big "fuck you".

"I ain't gonna miss seeing Blues Traveler just 'cause I look like I'm four when I'm actually 23," you say. "I'm gonna go to the show, buy myself a beer (or six) and rock the night out with my muthafuckin' cock out."

"Of course I'll have to show my ID. Of course I'll have to stay away from the mosh pit. Of course I'll have to deal with 'Hey look! It's white Webster!' comments. But, more important than any of those, of course I'll have to make muthafuckin' sure I have a muthafuckin' hella good time. That's right, bitches!"

Your confidence and outlook toward life is one that many people can learn from, myself included. Thanks for living your life to the fullest, physical appearance be damned.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

PS Did you score any tail that night? Knowing your style, my guess is yes.

---

Photo Submitted By: Devin S.

Dear Canadian Rappers,

2006-07-23T23:52:00.000-07:00

Interested in gettin' the crowd wild at future concerts? If so, here are some phrases you might want to bust out:

1. "Where my Saskatoon bitches at?"

3. "Let's pour out some Labatt for our lost homies..."

4. "Wave your mittens in the air, wave 'em like you just don't care!"

5. "Growin' up in the Ottawa projects certainly wasn't easy..."

6. "How many of you are Degrassi High right now?"

7. "8 Miles?! Shit should be called 12.872 Kilometers."'

8. "Who watched Frozen Cribs last night?"

9. "Make some noise if you've got rims on your snowmobile!"

10. "Guns don't kill people. At least not in this country."

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Drummers Who Live in Rural America,

2006-07-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

How many of you practice your drumming skills just so when you go to the local county fair you can impress chicks by winning them giant stuffed bears playing Whack-A-Mole?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Rabbis,

2006-07-13T22:52:00.000-07:00

So do you guys all love ZZ Top or something?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Fiery Mailbox Owner,

2006-07-10T19:35:00.000-07:00

In case you're unaware, painting flames on the side of something is done to denote "fast". People paint flames on the sides of their hot rods, motorcycles and cigarette boats to make them look faster. It's a creative way to visually highlight speed.

Painting flames on the side of your mailbox, however, denotes, "I'm a complete idiot with an extremely low I.Q." It gives the world a clear glimpse of how infrequently the synapses in your brain manage to fire.

You see, Fiery Mailbox Owner, mailboxes don't fall in the category of "things that are meant to look fast." There are no world records for mailbox speeds. People don't take mailboxes to the Bonneville Salt Flats to test their max velocities, or head out to desolate country roads for late night mailbox drag races.

If I were you, the only place I'd take this mailbox is to your nearest mental institution. Painting flames on side of your grandmother would be no less insane than what you've done.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

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Photo Submitted By: Black Sharpie

Dear People Of Los Angeles,

2006-07-07T11:36:00.000-07:00

Keep your phony-ass bullshit out of our town!

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer (on behalf of all San Franciscans)

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Photo Submitted By: D'Arcy F.

Dear Female Camels Who Wear Tight Jeans,

2006-07-04T20:13:00.000-07:00

What's it like having five camel toes?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Sanitary Tortilla Factory,

2006-06-29T13:57:00.000-07:00

Congratulations! This note is to inform you that you've won a Gold R.L.W. Award in the category of "Best New Name For A Restaurant".

Under your establishment's former ownership, patrons became violently ill on a regular basis. There were lawsuits related to insects in food, expired meat and, of course, the infamous "pubic hair incident of 1998". It was, to say the least, a very unsanitary restaurant.

When you took it over in 2005, your challenge was clear: how can you tell the world you've once again made it a safe place to eat?

While lesser minds might have chosen a name like, "Trust Us, We're OK Now Tortilla Factory" or "The Tortilla Factory: Pube-Free Since 1998", you had the wisdom to re-christen the place with the simplest, most straightforward name possible: Sanitary Tortilla Factory.

While I've yet to eat there, inside sources tell me your new-and-improved kitchen passes the white glove test and then some. Business is up, barfing due to cockroaches is down, and you, my friends, have a Gold R.L.W. Award to boot. Congratulations, Sanitary Tortilla Factory. This honor is well-deserved.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

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Photo Submitted By: Dennis

Dear Employees Of Monster.com,

2006-06-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

Where do you post your resume if you're looking for a new job but don't want your co-workers to find out?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Cat,

2006-06-21T18:09:00.000-07:00

Do you get to have the time of your life nine times before you die?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

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Photo Submitted By: Jen O.

Dear Cop,

2006-06-20T16:53:00.000-07:00

Were they all sold out of attack dogs?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

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Photo Submitted By: Elisa M.

Dear Kum & Go,

2006-06-19T23:06:00.000-07:00

Your attempt to distract customers from ridiculous gas prices with your ridiculous name is a very good one.

"Can you believe what these jerks charge for gas?"

"Who cares? Their freakin' name is Kum & Go! It sounds so dirty! Ha! Ha!"

That said, I think I speak for most in saying we'd prefer if you just brought down your prices.

"Can you believe they changed their name to Gas & Go? It's so boooooring! Boo! Boo!"

"Who cares? Their freakin' gas is $1.78 a gallon!"

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Birds And Bees,

2006-06-18T22:30:00.000-07:00

What phrase do you use to describe the basics of sexual reproduction to your offspring?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear U.S. Mint Employees,

2006-06-14T14:34:00.000-07:00

When people ask you how much money you make, do you say, "Billions and billions of dollars" and then say, "That's because I work at the the U.S. Mint" and then say, "Get?! I MAKE billions and billions of dollars!!!"?

If you do, I'd encourage you to stop making such a joke. Because that shit is crazy wack, yo.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Guinness Book Of World Records,

2006-06-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

Please consider the following submission for the category of "World's Worst Joke".

A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Gimme a whiskey."

The bartender hands the guy a key with the word "whis" written on it.

"What's this?" the guy says.

"A whis-key."

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Passive-Aggressive Armwrestlers Association,

2006-06-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

Do your matches ever end?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Tuxedo Penguins,

2006-06-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

Do you feel overdressed attending casual attire social events?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Guy Crawling Alone In Desert,

2006-06-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

Why don't you just ask the person who took this photo to help you out?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Student Athletes With Drinking Problems Who Also Have Auto Club Memberships,

2006-05-30T06:46:00.000-07:00

You should start a group called N.C.A.A.A.A.A.A.A..

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Underwood Motel,

2006-05-27T11:53:00.000-07:00

Don't you think Underbigcomfyduvet Motel might be a better name?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Bingo's Owner,

2006-05-25T22:09:00.000-07:00

What do you yell when you bring Bingo to a bingo parlor and he runs away but you don't have a winning game card?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Math Professors,

2006-05-23T23:15:00.000-07:00

If your foot falls asleep while you're sleepwalking, does that mean it actually wakes up?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Robert Wadlow's Mom,

2006-05-18T13:23:00.000-07:00

When your son was young, did you hide the cookies on the bottom shelf?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Superman's Enemies,

2006-05-17T10:38:00.000-07:00

Want to defeat that bastard for once and for all? Can't get your hands on any kryptonite? Here's a very simple alternate method: hire some dudes to physically remove every single phone booth in town.

"A bank's been robbed! A house is on fire! But, but, I ain't go nowhere to change!"

Sincerely,

The Diabolical Letter Writer

Dear Camouflage Frogs,

2006-05-15T16:27:00.000-07:00

When you play hide-and-go-seek, do games take forever?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Creators of NYPD Blue,

2006-05-13T17:58:00.001-07:00

If you'd created your show back in the era of black and white television, would you have just called it NYPD?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Waldo,

2006-05-10T21:21:00.000-07:00

If you want to up the difficulty/frustration level of your books, here's a suggestion: leave yourself out of the drawings.

"Waldo? Waldo? Where the fuck is Waldo?!"

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

PS You look like Jack White.

Dear Extremely Well-Endowed Men,

2006-05-10T19:19:00.000-07:00

When you pee in public washrooms, do you have to use the kid-sized urinals?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Snakes,

2006-05-08T18:21:00.000-07:00

Where do you apply deodorant?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Six Million Dollar Man,

2006-05-05T20:51:00.000-07:00

When you go to Japan for top-secret missions, do you introduce yourself as the Seven Hundred Thirty Four Million, Two Hundred Eighty One Thousand, Nine Hundred and Sixty Six Yen Man?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Evel Knievel's Parents,

2006-05-03T19:10:00.000-07:00

After giving your son a name that's a synonym for such words as "hideous", "repugnant" and "vile", were you surprised he choose a career path that involved continually trying to kill himself?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Aliens Who Hate Gardening,

2006-05-02T17:17:00.000-07:00

What color are your thumbs?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Christian Rock Bands,

2006-04-28T14:57:00.000-07:00

As a response to those sinful bands who hide subliminal Devil messages when you play their albums backwards, I thought perhaps you could respond by hiding subliminal messages of positivity when you play YOUR albums backwards.

To help get your Christian juices flowing, here's a few positive phrases you might consider hiding:

"I'm hatin' Satan."

"Sunday is Fun Day."

"If you smoke marijuana, you'll die."

"Hell is for hoodlums."

"The Pope is doper than dope."

"Six, six, six, sucks, sucks, sucks."

"Da' bible is da' shit, yo." (for Christian hip-hop groups)

"Paul is alive."

I hope these help. Best of luck with your careers and don't forget to go to Church!

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Gourmet Magazine,

2006-04-24T20:46:00.000-07:00

Attached are two food-related poems I wrote. Please consider them for publication.

Really Hungry Girl

I had a date with a really hungry girl.
She ate most of it.

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House or Caesar?

"House or Caesar?", the waiter asked.
"House", I replied. "Now where are the keys?"

Thanks your time and continued success in the future.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Hormel Foods,

2006-04-22T18:54:00.000-07:00

There must be great confusion in your workplace due to the fact that one of your products shares its name with a common term for junk email. I imagine such awkward scenarios as:

EMPLOYEE: I fucking hate spam!

BOSS: You hate our product? You're fired, Jim.

or

EMPLOYEE: I fucking love SPAM!

BOSS: You love junk email? You're fired, Jim.

To help avoid such costly misunderstandings, you'll be relieved to know I've come up with an easy-to-implement, foolproof plan: all you have to do is ban computers from your office. Return to the good ol' days of typewriters and pneumatic tubes. Et voila! All SPAM, no spam!

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Tall Chefs,

2006-04-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

How do you walk through doorways?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Haircutters Who Live Near Crystal Gayle,

2006-04-18T22:47:00.000-07:00

How much do you hate that bitch?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Cookie Monster's Agent,

2006-04-16T08:05:00.000-07:00

In today's celebrity-endorsement driven culture, it's a downright atrocity that your client still lacks a lucrative sponsorship deal. I hate to say this, but I must question your abilities as an agent when a player such as Mr. Monster still hasn't been rebranded as The Oreo Cookie Monster, The Nutter Butter Cookie Monster, or, dare I say it, The Chips Ahoy! Mini Chocolate Chip Bite-Size Go-Pak Cookie Monster.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Guy Who Coined The Phrase "Be Kind, Please Rewind",

2006-04-13T17:04:00.000-07:00

Are you like the one person on planet earth who was completely pissed off when DVDs were invented?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Popeye's,

2006-04-11T18:19:00.000-07:00

If you're interested in expanding your market share of the oft-ignored "Tongue Twister Lovers" demographic, may I suggest you consider adding pot pies to your menu.

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Boyz II Men,

2006-04-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

Isn't it about time you changed your name to "Men"?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Readers,

2006-03-28T17:36:00.000-08:00

The time has come to take a vacation from this blog. I'm hate to say it, but I'm completely burnt out.

Thanks for reading, commenting, sending emails and becoming my MySpace buddy. I'm touched that anyone beyond my parents even took the time to read this thing.

I'll try and return shortly. In the meantime, stay out of trouble and be sure to look both ways before you cross the street.

Your pal,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Inexpensive Alarm Clock Manufacturer,

2006-03-27T19:30:00.000-08:00

When your employees show up late for work, do you really have a right to get mad at them?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer

Dear Nudists (Part 2),

2006-03-23T23:49:00.000-08:00

When you celebrate Mardi Gras, isn't the whole "Show me your tits" thing kind of anticlimactic?

Sincerely,

The Rhetorical Letter Writer